I spent last weekend with 45 young men from the tough barrios of LA.
I stood up on Sunday and through the kind of tears that come from deep in the gut, uncontrollable, almost sobbing, shared how inspired I felt.
“The world is really messed up. Messed up all over the place. Messed up in big and ugly ways.
“The work that you are doing here is damn courageous. By looking at all the crap in your life and shining light into the dark, ugly corners that aren’t easy to face, you are standing up for your own life and the lives of all the young men in this room.”
“The amount of commitment and love you bring to the world is absolutely inspiring.”
More tears a decent amount of snot…
And then…
“If everyone in the world had the courage and heart that you are bringing to this room, the world would be a lot different. What you are doing here is Peace. It is the solution to all those f–ked up things happening in the world.”
We sat in the room for 4 hours on this morning listening, crying, cheering, as young person after young person spoke into the room.
The stories were about being abandoned, suffering loss, being addicted, pain, deep pain, regret, feeling lonely, wanting to be better than you are, being stuck in a gang, being gay in a very hostile environment, absent/addictive/abusive parents, doing lots and lots of drugs, and so much more…
And we listened.
The room listened and held the space.
We had done a lot to get to this point, a ropes course, mask making, story telling, football games, campfires, all night hikes, and an initiation ritual.
Now that we arrived, no one wanted to stop. Every time we tried to close the room, someone else would stand up, trying to hang on to the love, the support…that feeling of being seen, hoping that this room could last forever. Not wanting it to go away.
It felt like home. That safe home we dreamed about. The community we always wanted, and hoped actually existed.
Here it was.
The plea was silent, but clear: Please keep this going…please! Even though I really have to take a piss, I don’t want this to end.
This is my lifeline.
What was happening in that room was incredibly hard work; and so much better than life back down the mountain.
But it’s work almost everyone avoids, and is the secret to the Aliveness we crave.
The lessons to take away are coming, but first…
a question a parent asked me while I was sharing about my experiece:
Can I have my kid do that?
Probably. If you are interested in one of these events, please be in touch and we can figure out how to make it happen.
Now on to the Lessons to take away
There are 2 things that I hope you can take from this story
The first is the inspiration of 45 young men doing the courageous work necessary to make their lives all they can be.
The second is an awareness of the deep integrity that lives inside you and inside your teenagers. This deep integrity knows there is work to do; and that the only way to feel the satisfaction with life that we crave is to dive right into those places that aren’t so comfortable.
Parents…here is the place to pay attention…listen (er, read) carefully
My role on the mountain, along with the other mentors, was to hold the young men to their word.
Integrity.
They came to the mountain with a purpose. In their gut, they wanted more from life – their deep integrity knew there was healing to do.
But, when they arrived the reality of facing the tough stuff arrived with them. So, as mentors we had to look past the posturing, the efforts to distract our attention, the attempts to escape, the threats, the apathy, and the attitudes.
We had to stay connected to what they really wanted and the reason they came. We had to stay connected to the biggest, deepest part of their spirit. They came to do serious work. To get the medicine that lives on that mountain.
But, they were scared and uncertain, so they acted out.
We had to create a container strong enough to help them feel safe enough to step into their vulnerability. And share. And listen.
That’s like parenting a teenager.
Trusting that inside them lives the biggest part of them that wants a Huge life…but is scared to come out. And doesn’t know how to do it. Creating a space that is safe enough for them to step into that vulnerability (despite all the attempts to throw you off the trail). Listening to what is really going on inside them. Admiring the courage it takes to live in their shoes.
Getting Naked
The joke about a men’s retreat is that you get naked and run around in the woods.
And it is true.
But it’s a different kind of naked.
Strip down the bravado. The need to be cool. The disrespect. Our masks. Our assumptions about each other. Move beyond the daily compromises. The obligations of a day, and you end up naked. Exposed.
And when you are exposed, you are vulnerable.
Vulnerable enough to be real and deal with all the crap that you create in the world.
And to be that vulnerable takes trust. The openness only comes when you can trust that the container will hold you. The fear is that in that openness you are open to an attack.
You have to trust that the container is strong enough to not crack, and handle what you are about to bring.
In the container we are seen, understood, loved. Safe. Just as we are. With all our pain, passion, regret, mistakes, and ugly.
That is it. Peace. Aliveness. Our true self.
It is incredibly powerful.
5 Action steps for parents
That is where our young people want to go. But, they need our help. They need us to create the container for them.
One way to do it is to make home that safe place. Home is the place where they recover, recuperate, and rejuvenate for their next venture into that “down the mountain” world that is scary, confusing, and aggressive.
To be “nobody-but-yourself” in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”
e.e. cummings
As mentors, and these efforts are the action steps for your parenting, we worked hard to hold accountability, be authentic, provide guidance, be solid and grounded, and be clear in our role as elder.
When our young people have that container and can allow their deep self to show up, what they bring is amazing.
Creating that safe place and being open to the biggest part of our young people is one way to honor Gandhi’s famous quote, “be the change you want to see in the world.” It’s what I got to experience in the mountains last weekend.
And it’s a feeling I highly recommend.
Ready? 1-2-3 Lets play!
Please share what this awakens in you and make a comment!
Playing Huge
Morgan
There is still opportunity to contribute to the amazing work that Youth Mentoring Connections is doing with the young men and women from LA (and the guy from Portland, they call “Hands”).
You can read a poem from one of the young men here (and, wow, is it moving)