A teenager gift: “Trouble”? or the gift to open first?
The journey of our deep self through adolescence
We all have a deep self. You can think of it as your heart. You might call it your soul or spirit. It might come from a religious community or it might be your agnostic belief. In Launch Your Life and in my work I call it the Real You.
The Real You has a purpose. Why are you here? What is your purpose? It might be the answer to the question “why did my soul choose to be here at this time?” or “what is my gift to the world?” or “how can I make a difference?”
Your purpose is deeper than a cultural definition – i.e. your purpose is not to play baseball, be a doctor, market or sell products. It is something like, share love, wake people up, provide stories for people to live into, etc.
One of my teachers says that 80% of us have no connection to our Real You. Instead what we have is a culturally viable identity that we spend most of our life accessorizing (i.e. buying stuff for). We buy stuff so we at least look acceptable even though 4 out of 5 of us do not feel acceptable. Many of us do not feel like we are okay.
As adults, well that is a story for another time. But as parents, this is a story for right now, because our teens and young adults are in the struggle of figuring out who they are…and they need help.
They are right where they need to be. They are at the transition point where they either fall into the 80% who do not connect to their Real You and their purpose, or the 20% who begin the journey towards aliveness and a life beyond compromise – a life of honoring the Real You.
How will you know when your kid is approaching (or at) the transition point?
Trouble
How will you know what to do when it happens? Read on.
The Stages of Eco-soul centric stages of human development
One of my teachers, Bill Plotkin, has developed 8 stages of eco-soul centric stages of human development. It is based on many, many ancient traditions and models (if you want more information on these, please be in touch).
To shed light on the trouble that young people get into, I will focus on stages 3 and 4 and the transition between the two.
Stage 3 he calls early adolescence. The job of a person in this stage is to cultivate a cultural identity. This cultural identify is usually shallow but certainly viable.
Stage 4 he calls late adolescence. The task of a person in this stage is to move beyond that culturally viable identity into the discovery of the Real You.
The transition is a place where you say good-bye to that cultural identity and enter into the fear, uncertainty, and excitement of the upcoming journey of discovery. It is a difficult journey that includes death and birth, certainty and confusion, ease and difficulty.
In other words, trouble.
He says 80% of us do not get through the trouble that is a critical feature of this transition.
And this is the cause of all the upset a majority of us have.
“I hate my job. I am not a good enough parent. I am not in love with my spouse. I do not like myself…”and so on.
All these yucky feelings and all the uncertainty (or pain) about your jobs, spouses, family, kids, parenting, health, ecological choices, ethics, and of course about what your life has become, is all based on this stunted development of your Real You and your purpose.
We are stuck in an early adolescent stage of development – stage 3. It is a bit worse than just being stuck, but we will leave it stuck for now.
How exactly did we get here?
How can we help our kids avoid this being their story?
It’s the gift of trouble – open it first!
If our kids have gotten to be healthy infants and children (stages 1 & 2) – and have developed imagination, wonder, curiosity, and know that they have a safe place in the world, i.e. a home, they have probably been meandering along doing well and are finding an identity that works for them; maybe they are an athlete, a student, a great friend, play magic, love horses or raise chickens, play music or draw, they love the outdoors.
Then they get into their teens.
The little kid who used to live in your house is missing and you wonder where they have gone.
For your young people, it is a time when they transition from being your little kid to beginning their journey of becoming their own person. Remember, this transition is hard. There is sadness and fear all over the place along with anticipation and excitement.
All the trouble that young people get into comes from this sadness, fear, anticipation, and excitement.
They are trying to find out who they are and it is easier to find out who you are when you are in trouble.
Too often today, when trouble happens kids get punished, not taught. We treat it like they have done something wrong. The old idea was that you teach when the trouble happens. In the old tradition when young people made a mistake the young person was considered to have done the right thing. They have done the right thing because those paying attention got a hint of both what the young person needs for their journey and which direction the are headed.
And in chronological adolescence this is perfect. It is exactly in step with the transition between early and late adolescence, and the beginning of the journey towards their Real You. They have learned to survive, some basic skills of how to be your kid, and how to fit into society. In other words, they have found a way to play the game.
Then they begin to wonder if that is all there is to this thing called life. And there in that wondering, the curiosity of discovering their Real You is awakened.
Imagine a native American boy growing up. They learn how to be a little kid; how to be part of the tribe; how to help when the hunting party goes out. But as they get older, it’s time for them to go on the hunt with the men. Well, there is a whole bunch of skills that need to happen for that to occur and before they go, they will need to learn those skills. Then they get to figure out how to prove they are ready to go. And then eventually they get to go – leaving behind their childhood for the new responsibility of young adulthood.
In native cultures, there is a lot of celebration and ritual around this process and all the learning. Rites of passage traditionally help everyone deal with that sad and exciting loss of childhood. The rituals help everyone celebrate the birth, vulnerability, and courage of becoming a young adult. The community is set up to handle all the failures, mistakes, brilliance, questions, and vulnerability.
But, our kids do not have such an obvious developmental process. Our world is much more complicated – that boy could not choose to be a baker, a computer programmer, or to go to college; and at the same time we have eliminated all the obvious rites of passage.
But that does not mean that your kids are not in the search for who they are and how to survive in the world as the Real You.
The moment of vulnerability – a crucial time
Here is why this time of life is so critical. And worth a metaphor…(Dan Pink said a picture is work 1000 words, but a metaphor is worth 1000 pictures, so here it is).
Imagine a scared teenager who has a picture of part of their Real You covered up under a big coat; they are hiding it. They come across someone who they think might actually be interested to see their picture, so they slowly, carefully open up the coat and share a small piece of their Real You…
It’s their “self-portrait”. The best they can do at the moment.
When they open up that coat and share a glimpse of the Real You they are massively vulnerable.
Sadly, the moment goes unnoticed or it’s noticed but then brushed off, ignored, criticized, bashed, and/or laughed at. The judgment comes from peers, teachers, TV, other adults, media, siblings, the culture, and parents.
So they close the coat. And retreat. And learn to not do that again. It is too painful. And tragically, they begin to feel that who they are (the Real You!) is not okay.
Here it is! It’s over here! Look carefully, trouble!
This is where the “trouble” comes in.
Most young people are really resilient. But getting ignored, criticized, bashed, and laughed at cannot be hidden. It shows up. It shows up because here is what they are saying to themselves:
“No one cares. No one sees me. No one understands. My Real You must not matter. All people do is make fun of me or laugh…if they even care enough to pay attention. There must be something wrong with me. If no one listens or understands, it must be me.”
Feeling like this cannot be hidden. It shows up.
If you are watching, listening, and connected you will feel it. These are the moments. Learning to see this space and then to be in it with them is an amazingly powerful gift.
It’s a gift for everyone. For you. For them. For us.
As an adult if you are trapped in your own world, with your own plan and expectations for your kid, then it is easy to see the trouble as a reflection on you; you get hooked by the intensity and the embarrassment and what others will think of you, and you miss the opportunity of the trouble moments.
To see. To understand.
You miss seeing a young person, your young person! on their journey towards the life that lives in their heart; on a journey full of ups and downs; in a place where every day is an expression of courage, vulnerability, and discovery.
You miss seeing that in the moments when they open their coat (or don’t open their coat because it’s too scary, but you see them because you are really paying attention) they need a home. They need a safe place to rest. To be loved. To be acknowledged. To just be.
Survival – the lowest denominator
When these trouble opportunities get missed, the young people begin to retreat back into their early adolescent, stage 3 shallow social self.
The only way for them to survive is to get some acknowledgement for getting good grades, going to college, wearing the right clothes, anything that will get them noticed. So in the search for being seen, some go to the counter culture stage 3, of getting acknowledgement for being rebellious, outrageous, and pissed off.
See it? Check. Now, what do I do with it?
How will you know when your kid is approaching the transition point?
Trouble.
How will you know what to do when it happens? Read on…
1. Evaluate where you are. You have got to have your stuff in order, so you can listen and not get hooked. Get yourself a community of support people.
And just in case you think this means being perfect, sitting at stage 4 or 5 or 6, or in your meditation studio, think again.
Young people have dog like sniffers for inauthentic crap. If you are faking your life, buying stuff for your shallow identity, living as if everything is grand, or pretending to be enlightened, they pick up on it. They want real adults in the struggle, They want people willing to be with the ugliness of dealing with life; they want to see how to be in a world that is scary and uncertain.
They do not want to pretend that life is easy or to be told the world is a safe, secure place. They do not need more people pretending everything is just dandy. They have plenty of that already.
The way to be for them is authentic, honest, and willing to be in the vulnerability and discovery of your Real You
2. Listen. Keep listening. And listen more. Then trust your instincts.
The art of listening is based on getting yourself out of the way. The opportunity here is to understand another person on their terms. To help them feel seen and understood. You want to be able to tell them all about their life from their perspective.
As my teacher said for those paying attention trouble is a sign of a place a young person needs to learn.
There will be moments when it feels like you want to act. Do so, and then observe what happens. Did your action have the desired impact? How did it land with the other person?
This is a practice that goes on forever.
3. Know where the cliff is – and tell them. Obviously you do not want them to fall off the cliff.
But, it is likely that what you think is a cliff is not really the cliff – we have learned to be way more protective than serves our kids. There are times when you need to turn your face away and allow them to fall, and fall hard.
Falling hard is sometimes exactly what and how they need to learn.
Think about some of your most important learning experiences. Hard falls that you learned from – our kids need the same opportunities.
And here is a nugget to consider. It is likely that when they have your attention and are feeling seen, they do not have to do such outrageous things to get you to pay attention.
But, it is important to not compromise or negotiate at the edge of the cliff. It is okay to be in the discovery with your young person about where the cliff is, provided everyone is willing to listen and have an honest and respectful conversation. But this does not happen at the cliff’s edge.
These are 3 great places to start. Of course, there is much more beyond these foundational pieces, but even a master has opportunities to learn in an introductory class.
Happy Solstice and holiday season!
Wishing for the gift of trouble for all and the perspective to enjoy it.
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